Why I’m Not Going Out for Mother’s Day

If you have children around the age of 0-7(ish), then going out this weekend is a terrible idea. First, you’re competing with a bunch of other parents for spots at restaurants, finding parking is rubbish, you may be subjected to or subject yourself to road rage and you have the vague feeling that it’s just another excuse for consumerism that doesn’t surround the true meaning of Mother’s Day. Unless you like doing drive-thru, in which case your lovely wife and maybe (heaven forbid) your mother-in-law who will be joining you and the subsequent judgement that will come out of that. Your couch might look comfy tonight, but for how long?

Especially don’t go out if you’re single. You’ll be surrounded by a bunch of parents that thought it would be such an awesome idea to get all the kids out and have a great time together but instead find out that their children are actually possessed with The Mad Energy and so therefore will not stop talking, bugging, hitting, screaming for attention, generally causing a public disturbance and probably a disturbance within the Force. Spare a thought for the parents before you start posting Instagram photos of your local apocalypse and give a one-star review on TripAdvisor. They have to deal with this stuff daily, except that they got a dose of the stupid and thought they would be fine in bringing out their daily stay-at-home life for public viewing. Also, kudos to them for bringing out their daily stay-at-home life for public viewing, because then we can have a laugh about the whole gamut of ‘Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?’ shows, as we can see that a child from fifth grade will have no idea how to control what’s going on.

Pop quiz: if you enter a room and both children are screaming and declaring that they had a toy first whereas you know that the oldest child hasn’t seen the darn toy for two years and is just going through some control issues but the younger one is also bleeding from the toy because it’s old and so the fighting over it has caused it to break leaving a bunch of sharp edges that’s dangerous for both of them and, wait, your youngest third child has decided to come into the same room, drop his pants and then proceeded to very calmly have a crap on your new IKEA rug, what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO!?

Yep, the fifth grader will probably have a meltdown and go back to the basement to play on XBox. Meanwhile, the rug is ruined, the control issues are unresolved and a four year old is trying to administer First Aid to herself. Nice work, kid. No wonder nobody likes millennials.

If you have pets and say that you feel like a parent and that hey, obviously having a dog or a cat is pretty much like having kids, then once again, do not go out because you’re just embarrassing to humanity. Actually, you probably suck worse than the single guy who’s just given the poor restaurant owner a one-star review on Google Maps, as you’re actually comparing your pet to a sit-down dinner at a restaurant. We’ve owned pets, they’re a lot different to owning kids and now we don’t have any pets because the kids are both a joy and complete pain at exactly same time and pets can’t do that because a goldfish doesn’t emote very well or bug you on purpose because it thinks it’s funny or it wants to show a picture of you because it loves you and you mean the world to him.

*sniff* I’m NOT crying! I’m NOT!

As for the mums, they kind of deserve to have a day from their kids as you’re the reason they unintentionally pee a little every time they laugh or cough. As for the awesome ‘moms’ like my wife, my mum and MY MOTHER-IN-LAW WHO IS THE BEST THING SINCE SHREDDED SWEET POTATOS (ok, can I have my arm back now?), you do deserve the day, a phone call, lots of presents and half-hearted attempts from your children at making a card.

Because consumerism.


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