5 Ways in Which Being a Dad is Painful

Dads do not, in general, have to suffer through childbirth. That’s a given, unless you fainted while wifey was in labour and you hit your head on the bedpost on the way down. In which case, that’s an exception to the rule and at least both parents have a funny story afterwards. And if you were filming at the time, then you’ll probably go viral.

I personally stayed at the head the first time around. Mrs. C’s head, that is. I know of other people that practically shoved a GoPro down their better half’s vajayjay just to get every single picture possible, but that’s fine too, if you really want to go there. I didn’t and for the other two I had to stay at Mrs. C’s head because there was a C-section going on at the other end of her.

When the C-section is nearing its completion, it’s like watching a bunch of magicians suddenly producing a wailing infant from behind a screen, holding him/her aloft and shouting out that it’s a boy or a girl and in Pup’s case, ‘Angry baby! Angry baby!! He’s peeing everywhere! Angry baby!’

From this experience, I found that it can be a lot messier than a bunny out of a hat, but I think these surgeon people get paid more and I’m okay with that.

So why is it painful for me, you ask? Well, it’s what comes afterwards, sometimes days, sometimes years. Specifically, it’s what my children like to leave lying around on the floor and/or what their uncoordinated limbs tend to do. My silly clumsy feet sometimes turn me into an impromptu amateur parkour specialist.

So here’s my Top FIVE Things that Hurt Me (Wooo!):

1. Electrical Socket Protector Thingies

These things are evil. Never mind that they exist to stop curious fingers poking into an electrical socket, those two little prongs that are always upright after it’s ‘fallen’ on the floor are the modern day version of a caltrop. This will take you down in seconds and you’ll be swearing uncontrollably for a little while before getting yourself together, picking up the offending item and putting it on the nearest surface. Unfortunately, the surface will not be high enough for little hands not to get to, so this will happen again in the near future in the same area.

2. Moist socks

It’s gross and you have no idea what you’ve really trodden in. Somebody’s water? Somebody’s milk or yogurt? Somebody’s pee? Somebody’s water AND milk AND pee? You can really hurt yourself by blowing out your voice in this one, by saying, and I quote:

‘YAAARGRRRGHwhodidn’tcleanupafterthemselvesyou’regoingtobeinsomuchTROUBLEOHCRAPPINGHELLTHISISDISGUSTING!!’

So yeah, could cause a sore throat for days and possible laryngitis.

Also see: slipping hazard.

3. LEGO

Picture the scenario: your poor, sweet child is trying to go to sleep but can’t since he’s crying from, say, growing pains and you go in to see him. Unbeknownst to you, within this darkened room lies horrors that he built during the afternoon because of his playful nature. Before your rational mind has time to catch up, you’re now writhing in pain and weeping silently because you don’t want to upset your child any more, as your trembling hand passes the tiny cup of Advil to him.

Finishing move: Not turning on the lights at all on the way out because that’s a huge no-no. If you do, it’s game over with no respawns.

4. Groin Injury

Your child runs full tilt into your undercarriage, making you double over in pain. At the time, your friend is watching this and then also doubles over.

In laughter, my friend, in laughter.

5. The Reverse Headbutt

I like reading to my kids and they like cuddling up to me on my lap. As they snuggle in, they have a tendency to suddenly think of something and then violently turn their heads , whacking me on the nose, the cheek, the mouth and one time, the forehead. The latter happens with Lightning when he suddenly wants to be somewhere else within the confines of the living room. It’s on par with Mrs. C hitting me in the face with her hand or elbow at 2 a.m in bed, waking me up completely and then not being able to get back to sleep afterwards.

It’s pretty bad.

So, that’s my personal Top Five. What are yours? Write in the comments section and bonus points for liking and sharing. 🙂

 

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