What To Do When You’re Accused of Starving Your Children

After I wrote my piece about my first ever recipe (insert something along the lines of GO ME! I AM AWESOME!! here), I was shocked and mortified to find some lady that I hadn’t heard of before, Kristin Cavallari, was accused of starving her children.

For a woman, it takes guts to take a picture of her children which basically says, ‘Look, I have kids. I know. I don’t feed them. I know. They will smell after being in the water and have sand down their pants and other places too, because, y’know, they’re kids. As for what they poked at, you don’t want to know. That’s why I didn’t take a photograph of this.’

Ick. Ugh. Ew. Can you imagine?

After staring at the photo for what seemed like five seconds, I can tell you now that yes, her kids are 15 cheeseburgers away from being obese and yes, I know that goes against American principles. So I decided to check with our own healthy and active children to see what would happen when they’re sat down to the aforementioned pork roast along with the rest of the family. This meal did not involve extra burgers, candy, cupcakes, chocolate cake, ice cream or any other sort of dessert that some parents like to indulge in. It did involve vegetables that were from our garden. I was pretty sure that they would all spontaneously combust after being in the mere presence of such a meal, since, well, there wasn’t much wrong with it and there was more nutrition on the plate than the plate itself.

The first to finish his was Pup, our solidly built 18-month year old. Just because his portion was smaller gave no excuse to the other two, but Lightning, our newly minted five-year old, finished his larger plate off without too much commotion. There was a little bit of consternation as to why he hadn’t seen any pirates since Halloween, but we rallied through that, pushing him on, encouraging him to break through The Wall, by saying helpful things like, ‘Have you finished?’

As for our threenager (soon to be four), Butterfly, she had things to say while eating her meal. Lots of things. Incessant poking of and moving food around her plate, too.

Butterfly: I’ll try this. *picks up potato and puts it on her fork and then eats it*

Me: Okay, but I don’t think that’ll work very well all the time.

B: Delicious. Princesses eat the whole thing!

Me: Yeah? How do you know? Have you been at the same table as a princess?

B: Nooooo! Princesses don’t have booster seats like this. *points* When I get cold from my booster seat, Mommy gets me a blanket. Yes.

Me: Sooo, you’re eating your dinner then?

B: Yeah, well, I need some help. But I can’t do a thing because I’m shy.

Me: You’re not shy! Eating’s got nothing to do with being shy. Can you show me a big bite?

B: *shakes head* I’ll show you a hooooge bite!

Me: Ok, so show me a huge bite.

B: *mimes eating the entire plate, along with special effect noises* Like dat. But if you do that then you’ll throw up. And that’s not good. But you can take a big bite of macaroni. Like this. *mimes a large bite*

Me: Ok, so can you show me your size bite?

B: My size bite is this, this, this this, this, this, this small, small, small thing like this. *eats an amoeba sized portion from her plate*

Me: Ok, another 300 of those and we should be done.

*B starts to tentatively eat her food, and then…*

B: After I eat something, it goes crunch, crunch, crunch in my tummy.

Me: Has your tummy got teeth?

B: Yeah. Right here. *points*

Me: That’s not your tummy, that’s your mouth.

B: No it isn’t, it’s my teeth!

Me: I’m not winning, am I? Ok…

 

B: *eats some more then starts poking at the table with the fork, then looks as if she has something on her mind* I don’t like big monsters.

Me: No?

B: Yeah, I’m scared of them. They live in a dry, dry monster cave.

Me: In a dry, dry, monster cave? Why is it so dry?

B: No, not dry, GIANT! Because it’s spooky, and big and there’s giants and then I don’t go in there and then I climb on top really sneaky and then the monster won’t know that I’m there. And if they stomp then I’ll stop and walk really carefully. And then the monster will eat them.

Me: Yeah?

B: Yeah, then he’ll go stomp, stomp, stomp and yell ‘Hey, little kid!’ and then he’ll eat me up.

Me: So this monster goes around eating little kids? Do you think he has some past anger issues?

B: Yeah, and that’s why I run so fast but the monster can run so fast and then he’ll eat me up but then I’ll escape with my cutlass because I’m a ninja.

Me: What?

B: And then I run back to this house. It was a big mommy monster but the little tiny one, the baby one was friendly.

Me: Yeah?

B: Yeah, and the tiny mommy one hey what’s that bird doing on our string for? *points at bird on electrical line*

Me: It’s watching you not eating your food. And it’s thinking to itself that it could eat your food. It looks yummy, right?

B: Yes. But he can’t come inside here. Him can’t…

Me: He can’t.

B: Him can’t…

Me: HE can’t.

B: Him can’t.

Me: HEEEE CAAANNN’T.

B: He can’t come in. He’s a bird.

Me: That’s better. Okay, but you should eat your food. Not with your knife, not with your knife! With your fork! Your fork is for eating. And don’t wipe your fork through your hair!

B: Yes, because it’ll get messy!

Me: I’m sure that the bird will be very happy after you… Eat. Your. Food. The bird will fly away and think that it’s life is complete when you’ve eaten.

B: Why that bird still there, then *points* Hey, it flew away!

Me: Probably because you pointed at it with the fork. It thought that it’s rude to point. Eat the food. Not the fork, the food.

B: How do we cut it in half? *starts trying to cut the fork with the knife* Because I like to! Hey, why isn’t this working for?

Me: Eat with the fork. Are you finished?

B: No!

Me: Gah! Why not!?

And so on, until one of use expires, or gives up. Usually the latter and it’s usually me.

This was my thought that if Kristin ‘I don’t vaccinate my kids because I’m a bit daft, really’ Cavallari was accused of not feeding her children, it might not be her fault. Active, healthy kids like participating in active, healthy things such as talking incessantly at the dinner table. If they have a dinner table. She probably has a giant iPad in her kitchen that can also be used as a dinner table and an air hockey table. And that would be awesome and something that should be reported about in the media.

What should you do when you’re accused of starving your children? Ignore it, have a witty backhander and tell everybody else to jog on. Well played, Kristin, well played.

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